Word For The Day: "BETRAYED?"
(Posted Saturday, May 9, 2009 at 3:35am)
My cousin was an illegitimate child. He was born just right before my uncle was married to another woman. His mom, because of tremendous pain and heartache, left for the province and raised her son alone. The Father and son never met. Until that fateful day.
We were 14 years old then. My Lola came back here from the states and her arrival spelled happy reunion for the family… Randy (not his real name) came here in Manila to join us. One night, my Lola planned to bring Randy to his Dad’s house so both of them could meet each other at long last. That news energized Randy. In spite of the fact that his Dad was absent for most of his life (and I would assume did not even give a time of day to find him nor be with him)- He yearned to see his dad… You can see the excitement in his eyes. He wore his best shirt and sprayed on his one and only cologne. He looked in the mirror several times, wanting to look his best during their first meeting. When we arrived at my Uncle’s house, my Lola and my Mom went ahead inside (to serve as an advance party perhaps) while Randy and I waited in the car. That half an hour wait was like eternity for Randy. He was both ecstatic and nervous . He wasn’t able to sit still and his hands were mildly shaking.
I can perfectly relate with that because I also saw my father for the first time when I was around 13 years old. And prior to that, in my mind I only had a ghostly image of my father which was based on old photographs and rusty phone calls (well, remember the pre-internet days?). And for some reason, not seeing him in person and not growing up with him somehow created a dent in my own identity, as if there’s something missing. And at that time for Randy, that missing part was about to unfold. Age-old questions in his young mind was about to be answered. Soon he was about to see his Dad. And as he was gearing for that very moment, my Lola and my Mom went back to the car and instructed the driver to head back home. And when we asked why, they told us my Uncle was not available. So Randy just bit his lip and was silent. But I know in his heart he was crushed.
I learned later on the real reason why… That night, when my Lola and my Mom talked with my Uncle, he instructed them take Randy away for fear of offending his wife and other kids. His logic: he already made a mistake once so he wont dare risk the peace of his current family now. And with that he passed on the opportunity to meet his son.
Come to think of it, Randy just wanted to see his dad… that was all he wanted… not the money… not the benefits of having a full time father… he just wanted to see him… unfortunately even this was not given to him.
Although Randy never knew the truth, but as for me, his pain became mine.
I was reading Luke 18:15… it says “People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus CALLED the CHILDREN to HIM and said, “Let the little children COME TO ME…”
I remembered Randy in this verse… And all the other kids who were like him… who were like us.
Christ, when He came here on earth was the perfect representation of the Father Heart of God and his message to all of us little children- recipients of pain or betrayal either by others or by our own doings- remain as crystal clear as before…. “COME TO ME”… And as we do He said that he will NEVER turn us down…
Almost fifteen years have passed, Randy and his Father have yet to meet in person. The last time I’ve heard from him was he already migrated abroad and already has a family of his own.
As for my Uncle, to be honest, I never quite grasped the logic that he had regarding what happened. My sentiments would always fall for the children in this kind of situation. But talking to my Mom (who herself have been through the worst things in life and back) actually gave me a different perspective on his point of view. She said the main fear here is not really of offending his current family… its actually the fear of facing the truth. Seeing a grown up son that you did not rear nor supported… Seeing a son who has your lips, eyes, nose yet in reality is a stranger to you… Seeing someone whom you should have loved with your life but did not… Its like seeing Guilt face to face… and in my Uncle’s limited emotional capacity at that time… It’s a reality that he just can’t face. At least not yet. And as trivial as that reasoning may sound- using spiritual eyes- my Uncle, just like the most of us, is also a child on the inside.
Later in life i discovered I was still harboring bitterness over my parents (i came from a broken family myself). Deep inside, I felt I was always second best to them and in their long line of priorities was just one of the miscellaneous. Until a defining moment came. I remember vividly having a heartfelt talk with my Mom, she told me a time she saw us (children) lying on the bed and she thought of all the mistakes she did in the past and the things we endured as a consequence... the pain became too strong she had to stop thinking otherwise she felt she was going to lose her mind.. I remembered also having a similar conversation with my Dad. All along when i thought i was the only one whose suffering for the mistake they did, on the inside they too are suffering deeply- perhaps even suffering more. I heard the Spirit whispering from within, "Jeff stop being the victim and be the champion. Be God's champion for your family. Let them go".
Amazingly, as I let them off the hook... eventually I was the one who was freed.
Its true, to be betrayed by people who should have loved you can be the worst place you can ever be… But it can also be the best place if it leads you to the One who loves you truly… unconditionally… eternally.
And as you rise from being a victim to a champion you'll discover there's a price...
Let them go.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Problem with Being Goody-goody
(Posted Sunday, May 3, 2009 at 2:04am)
I grew up for more than half of my life serving in the ministry (not in Victory). I’ve been in kid’s ministry, music, preaching, outreach even in church maintenance… As trained, I have always put church activities over everything in life and I was quite successful. For the most part, I’ve always been the good boy. I’ve tried to obey all the rules within, and even outside the bible. There was a time I was in church seven days a week- crushing the very commandment of God to take a Sabbath. I almost rewrote all the books of the bible by hand (I know your laughing… but I’m not joking… I almost did). I’ve fasted for days when it was required of me. I prayed overnight when it was demanded of me. I praised and worshipped for hours and hours when the “spirit” led us to do so. My teaching gift left the people who listened to me utterly blessed. I smiled when I needed to and was stern when the leadership wants me to- regardless of who was hurt in the process. I’ve mastered the art of church ethics… craftily discerning which button to push and which to avoid. Indeed, it has given me great favor in the eyes of many. In fact, the majority saw me as a “good” example.
But the Lord saw differently.
In secret, I was a slave to pornography and all the lustful desires that came with it. Deep inside, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of condemnation and, contrary to what I’m preaching, never had a concrete understanding of the power nor the meaning of salvation. Day by day, I hated myself and wished that each day was the last. I became emotionally dependent to people to the death of me and became bitter against those who do not love me back. Rage consumed me during my private moments- I remember one time seeing a poster with the name of Jesus inscribed on it, and in my anger, took it and tore it pieces. I felt destined for a fall. My external righteousness did not lead to inner victories. In retrospect, in my so-called service to God… I was actually serving the devil.
But nobody knew. My gifts efficiently masqueraded my flaws. In my mind I had to stand tall for the people who are looking up to me- or so I thought. So I continued on with the show. But just like any other show… in the end, I had to take a bow. And when I was ready to do so, when I gave up on myself, God provided a way out.
First He lead me out of a church system that puts premium on good works over the finished work of Christ at the cross. He also planted me in a genuinely bible-based church and in an unorthodox small group where I was and is being mentored to obey Christ... its also a place where I was able to live in honesty (Meaning: minus the need to be goody-goody) with my covenant brothers as I walk the path of Christ. As of the moment, though I’m still a work in progress I would have to say I’ve become a far cry to the person I was before.
What inspired me to write this blog was a comment I’ve heard from a friend of mine who lamented over someone in church whom she thought was about to commit a grave mistake… She said, “The person was such a good example”… That phrase (not the person said) actually mirrored who I was before and it got me thinking.. What really is our standard or measure of a good example?
Is it perfect church attendance? Having a pleasing personality? Sharing all the miracles and wonders and ever living on a mountaintop experience with God? Is it the ability to quote the scriptures from genesis to revelation?
Probably.
But as I’ve studied the life of the Pharisees, who were the so-called goody-goodies during the time of Jesus, and by living a life so similar to them, I’ve noticed some pattern:
1.) Pharisees tend to put too much premium on conformity and external niceness. They can become very efficient in the ministry and in the social circuit but when it comes to more important and deep-seated matters such as mercy, forgiveness, humility, waiting and grace, they fall short.
2.) Pharisees also tend to hold others to such high moral standards which they themselves don’t follow in secret. They reward those who conform while being quick to judge those whose sins are not hidden. In the process, the people under them were trained to be really nice on the outside, but- lo and behold- holds such dark skeletons on the inside.
3.) Unlike the prostitutes and tax collectors whose issues are out in the open and can easily be dealt with by God, the Pharisees, because of their good works, charisma, pleasing personality, influence, knowledge, strong gifts and abilities, tend to escape correction of their “true” internal issues (like bitterness, pride, arrogance, demonic mental strongholds). It takes a leader who’s walking in the power of the Spirit to discern and confront such people, and during extreme situations, when such a prophet do appear, the Pharisees vehemently retaliates, attacking the personality instead of digesting the message- even quoting the very Words of God to defend their plight.
4.) Pharisees depend on external human authority to lead their lives instead of walking in the Holy Spirit. They go against the work of God by “forcibly” setting rules and guidelines on people instead of letting them go through the process of falling and being crushed by the Spirit. When “warning people” is being replaced by “controlling people”, there’s definitely another spirit at work- and its not from God. In fact, its actually a spirit taking the place of God in people’s lives.
5.) Pharisees although are flourishing in their religion, apart from Christ, are actually like pigs waiting to be slaughtered. We can only rely on our gifts and abilities for some time but when the day of evil comes, what’s done in darkness will be shouted in daytime. And in the aftermath of a fall, you’ll be surprised how the damage to the church or to themselves cannot compare to all their good works combined.
Bottom line is the Pharisees, yes even the Pharisees, of which I am one of the worst, need Christ.
Now, let me make myself clear. I’m not against ministry work nor any other good works. In fact with the right motives and the right heart, I’m actually for it. But church activities and social fellowships at the end of the day should spur “Christ-like” attitudes not “soulish” goodness. When people are captivated and led by external goody-goodies without checking for fruit of the Spirit we fall into a lie and a trap. No wonder Jesus himself warned us, “Beware of the Yeast of the Pharisees” (which is hypocrisy).
In time and in pain, I realized that a good example is actually patterned not on man’s seemingly good works but after Christ’s example… Most often, these are examples Not easily noticed by the multitudes. They’re not announced with trumpets and thunderstorms, not with awards and recognitions, but usually happens in the shadows and in private…
When you choose to let go and wholly forgive someone who hurted you deeply in reverence of God… That’s Christ.
When you choose to be silent instead of offensively retaliating in the midst of what you think is an unfair accusation… That’s Christ.
When you choose to expose your sin when you have all the opportunities to cover it… That’s Christ.
When you choose to say NO to your heart because God says so even when your whole being just wants to give in… That’s Christ.
When you choose to believe and claim the goodness of God even if the circumstance tells you to do otherwise… That’s Christ.
When after a severe correction, instead of lambasting your leader, you go back to God saying, “Father I’ve sinned”… That’s Christ.
When the enemy tells you… you’re good for nothing… you’re a failure… you won’t make it… And you respond, I’m a son of God… My Father has given me a hope and a future…. That’s Christ.
The problem with being externally goody-goody is its not real, its just a religious illusion. The tax collectors, the Samaritans and the prostitutes, in spite of being detestable in the eyes of many, all went ahead of the Pharisees in the Kingdom of God simply because they came just as they are in all their weaknesses and frailties minus the pretensions… and as they were changed and loved by God “at their inner core”… the world was changed.
I say these things not as someone who knows better but as someone who was the worst. I wrote the following in my journal last April 7, 2006. That was the day after I decided to step down on my ministry, which was my “Isaac” of sorts, to focus on a personal walk with Christ. It was both the worst and the best day of my life. (Side note: it was also the time I transferred to Victory). I remember writing this article in tears, it said “As for me, I’m laying down all my pastoral ambitions, all my fears of losing public respect… All gifts and knowledge… I lay them all down in exchange for truth in my life. No more acting. I have to be free from fear and failure. This I’ve got to do. Jesus hold me tight…”
And Jesus did held me tight. The evidence? I’m still here.
I grew up for more than half of my life serving in the ministry (not in Victory). I’ve been in kid’s ministry, music, preaching, outreach even in church maintenance… As trained, I have always put church activities over everything in life and I was quite successful. For the most part, I’ve always been the good boy. I’ve tried to obey all the rules within, and even outside the bible. There was a time I was in church seven days a week- crushing the very commandment of God to take a Sabbath. I almost rewrote all the books of the bible by hand (I know your laughing… but I’m not joking… I almost did). I’ve fasted for days when it was required of me. I prayed overnight when it was demanded of me. I praised and worshipped for hours and hours when the “spirit” led us to do so. My teaching gift left the people who listened to me utterly blessed. I smiled when I needed to and was stern when the leadership wants me to- regardless of who was hurt in the process. I’ve mastered the art of church ethics… craftily discerning which button to push and which to avoid. Indeed, it has given me great favor in the eyes of many. In fact, the majority saw me as a “good” example.
But the Lord saw differently.
In secret, I was a slave to pornography and all the lustful desires that came with it. Deep inside, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of condemnation and, contrary to what I’m preaching, never had a concrete understanding of the power nor the meaning of salvation. Day by day, I hated myself and wished that each day was the last. I became emotionally dependent to people to the death of me and became bitter against those who do not love me back. Rage consumed me during my private moments- I remember one time seeing a poster with the name of Jesus inscribed on it, and in my anger, took it and tore it pieces. I felt destined for a fall. My external righteousness did not lead to inner victories. In retrospect, in my so-called service to God… I was actually serving the devil.
But nobody knew. My gifts efficiently masqueraded my flaws. In my mind I had to stand tall for the people who are looking up to me- or so I thought. So I continued on with the show. But just like any other show… in the end, I had to take a bow. And when I was ready to do so, when I gave up on myself, God provided a way out.
First He lead me out of a church system that puts premium on good works over the finished work of Christ at the cross. He also planted me in a genuinely bible-based church and in an unorthodox small group where I was and is being mentored to obey Christ... its also a place where I was able to live in honesty (Meaning: minus the need to be goody-goody) with my covenant brothers as I walk the path of Christ. As of the moment, though I’m still a work in progress I would have to say I’ve become a far cry to the person I was before.
What inspired me to write this blog was a comment I’ve heard from a friend of mine who lamented over someone in church whom she thought was about to commit a grave mistake… She said, “The person was such a good example”… That phrase (not the person said) actually mirrored who I was before and it got me thinking.. What really is our standard or measure of a good example?
Is it perfect church attendance? Having a pleasing personality? Sharing all the miracles and wonders and ever living on a mountaintop experience with God? Is it the ability to quote the scriptures from genesis to revelation?
Probably.
But as I’ve studied the life of the Pharisees, who were the so-called goody-goodies during the time of Jesus, and by living a life so similar to them, I’ve noticed some pattern:
1.) Pharisees tend to put too much premium on conformity and external niceness. They can become very efficient in the ministry and in the social circuit but when it comes to more important and deep-seated matters such as mercy, forgiveness, humility, waiting and grace, they fall short.
2.) Pharisees also tend to hold others to such high moral standards which they themselves don’t follow in secret. They reward those who conform while being quick to judge those whose sins are not hidden. In the process, the people under them were trained to be really nice on the outside, but- lo and behold- holds such dark skeletons on the inside.
3.) Unlike the prostitutes and tax collectors whose issues are out in the open and can easily be dealt with by God, the Pharisees, because of their good works, charisma, pleasing personality, influence, knowledge, strong gifts and abilities, tend to escape correction of their “true” internal issues (like bitterness, pride, arrogance, demonic mental strongholds). It takes a leader who’s walking in the power of the Spirit to discern and confront such people, and during extreme situations, when such a prophet do appear, the Pharisees vehemently retaliates, attacking the personality instead of digesting the message- even quoting the very Words of God to defend their plight.
4.) Pharisees depend on external human authority to lead their lives instead of walking in the Holy Spirit. They go against the work of God by “forcibly” setting rules and guidelines on people instead of letting them go through the process of falling and being crushed by the Spirit. When “warning people” is being replaced by “controlling people”, there’s definitely another spirit at work- and its not from God. In fact, its actually a spirit taking the place of God in people’s lives.
5.) Pharisees although are flourishing in their religion, apart from Christ, are actually like pigs waiting to be slaughtered. We can only rely on our gifts and abilities for some time but when the day of evil comes, what’s done in darkness will be shouted in daytime. And in the aftermath of a fall, you’ll be surprised how the damage to the church or to themselves cannot compare to all their good works combined.
Bottom line is the Pharisees, yes even the Pharisees, of which I am one of the worst, need Christ.
Now, let me make myself clear. I’m not against ministry work nor any other good works. In fact with the right motives and the right heart, I’m actually for it. But church activities and social fellowships at the end of the day should spur “Christ-like” attitudes not “soulish” goodness. When people are captivated and led by external goody-goodies without checking for fruit of the Spirit we fall into a lie and a trap. No wonder Jesus himself warned us, “Beware of the Yeast of the Pharisees” (which is hypocrisy).
In time and in pain, I realized that a good example is actually patterned not on man’s seemingly good works but after Christ’s example… Most often, these are examples Not easily noticed by the multitudes. They’re not announced with trumpets and thunderstorms, not with awards and recognitions, but usually happens in the shadows and in private…
When you choose to let go and wholly forgive someone who hurted you deeply in reverence of God… That’s Christ.
When you choose to be silent instead of offensively retaliating in the midst of what you think is an unfair accusation… That’s Christ.
When you choose to expose your sin when you have all the opportunities to cover it… That’s Christ.
When you choose to say NO to your heart because God says so even when your whole being just wants to give in… That’s Christ.
When you choose to believe and claim the goodness of God even if the circumstance tells you to do otherwise… That’s Christ.
When after a severe correction, instead of lambasting your leader, you go back to God saying, “Father I’ve sinned”… That’s Christ.
When the enemy tells you… you’re good for nothing… you’re a failure… you won’t make it… And you respond, I’m a son of God… My Father has given me a hope and a future…. That’s Christ.
The problem with being externally goody-goody is its not real, its just a religious illusion. The tax collectors, the Samaritans and the prostitutes, in spite of being detestable in the eyes of many, all went ahead of the Pharisees in the Kingdom of God simply because they came just as they are in all their weaknesses and frailties minus the pretensions… and as they were changed and loved by God “at their inner core”… the world was changed.
I say these things not as someone who knows better but as someone who was the worst. I wrote the following in my journal last April 7, 2006. That was the day after I decided to step down on my ministry, which was my “Isaac” of sorts, to focus on a personal walk with Christ. It was both the worst and the best day of my life. (Side note: it was also the time I transferred to Victory). I remember writing this article in tears, it said “As for me, I’m laying down all my pastoral ambitions, all my fears of losing public respect… All gifts and knowledge… I lay them all down in exchange for truth in my life. No more acting. I have to be free from fear and failure. This I’ve got to do. Jesus hold me tight…”
And Jesus did held me tight. The evidence? I’m still here.
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